Addicted to the Jazz

When you mention 'change,' most people become anxious, break out in a cold sweat, and dread what comes next. However, there are a few of us who are...Addicted to the Jazz. 

I first heard this phrase from my counselor from eons ago, and I will never forget it.

First of all, my Sun sign is Sagittarius. If you're unfamiliar with zodiac signs, Sagittariuses are unafraid of change and actually embrace it. We also like to explore the unknown and learn all we can about new things. We're independent and don't back down to a challenge. In other words, we are always searching for the next thing; thus, I am ADDICTED to the JAZZ. But let me explain further...

For weeks, I had told this counselor I was never satisfied with what was happening in my life. It was monotonous - I was constantly looking for something else. I wanted more. Of course, the crazy thing was that I had a toddler at home then, so you know there was never a dull moment! Yet, one of the only things motivating me to get through each day was thinking how I was one day closer to when I left to go on vacation, visit family, or whatever the next event on the calendar was, etc. I constantly had to have a countdown going on in my head. 

I asked my counselor what she meant by that statement. She explained that it implied I crave constant change, excitement, and non-routine. She also mentioned that I always look for what's next rather than savoring the current moment. Hmmm... this is also probably why my long-term memory is so horrible. My brain is constantly on to the next thing when I should be in the moment. Anyway, she pegged it, hit the nail on the head, and any other idiom you think of. Meaning ding, ding, ding, she was correct! 

Wow! What a revelation! Finally, someone got it and named how I have always felt. 

I am addicted to the jazz, plain and simple. 

So, what exactly does that mean?? Let me give you some examples:

• I have been married and divorced 3 times. None of my relationships have lasted for more than 8 years.
• I have never been in one job location for more than 4 years - I have stayed in the same career but changed locations. 
• I have never lived in one house/apartment for more than 4 years.
• I must move my furniture or reorganize at least once a year, if not twice.
• I have to have a countdown going on my calendar. I see each day as a day closer to the next event on the calendar - I even have a widget on my phone that shows a countdown to a particular occasion. Once that one is done, I choose the next event to countdown to. 

It could be my ADD. It could be partially my mother's influence (every time I visit her, rooms are rearranged). It could be the cosmic forces and how the planets aligned when I was born. Regardless, if you can't tell, I get bored quickly and thrive off the thought of upcoming change. 

Of course, it's not all glamorous like I make it out to be (haha!). There are certainly challenges of constantly wanting change or rearrangement. As listed above, being unable to stay in one place or stick with one career has the stigma of being someone who isn't serious or who cares. I wish I knew how to fix it. It's not fun to become bored and have to find a new career or new place to live all over again - it is NOT easy to do, for sure! So there's that. 

Honestly, I wish I could be one of those people who can say I worked for so-and-so for over 20 years and retired at 62, or we are celebrating our 30th anniversary and still love each other. Yet... that is not the case, and frankly, it's just not me. It's not my personality or how my brain works. 

Here's the thing: now, at 49, I am in a good place and have accepted myself for who I am. And if someone wants to think that I'm not serious about what I do, aka my mission and purpose, or that I probably don't care about others...fine. That's their opinion, and it would be a waste of my time to attempt to convince them otherwise. Because, guess what? I can't change that. All I can do is embrace and use my attributes to my advantage. It took me a long time to learn this, but I realized...  Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place. (~ Captain Holt; Brooklyn Nine-Nine)